The Fear of Being Alone - What's It Like to be Single Again?

A long, long time ago, just like everyone else, I didn't want to be alone. I still don't of course, but way back in my reckless youth, this need dictated most of my decisions. It was THE driving force of my life. This fear was so strong that I was willing to do the silliest things and compromise just so I can make my relationships work. 

I blame most of my failed relationships with my fear of being alone and my inexperience. If I wasn't so afraid, I wouldn't have gone through half of the shit that I had to go through. But, I realize that it's a necessary experience. If I didn't go through them, then I wouldn't be the independent woman that I am now. I'd still be clinging to relationships that were less than what I deserved, and convincing myself that they were good enough.

I'd like to be all wise and say that I shouldn't think of failed relationships as wasted time, but really they were. Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted tears - damn all the lessons they taught me. While you're in that situation, you don't feel wise and grateful! After a failed relationship, you get a broken heart, broken dreams, shattered hopes and that dreaded feeling of "aloneness". Total Fail.

Many women, and even men, stay in relationships because they can't imagine what they'll do after they leave. I guess, the devil you know is still better than the devil you don't know. But I think the fear of being single again affects women more. Women tend to make their relationships the focal point of their lives. Their whole being and time are focused around it. Take the relationship away and they'd have to rebuild their lives, the physical and emotional aspect of it, from scratch. That thought is enough to scare anyone and keep you where you are.. even if you're miserable.

What's it like to be single again?

The thing that's stopping people from ending relationships, marriages even, is the fear of not knowing what's next. If you could just see the future, you can get some assurance right? But, of course we can't see what lies ahead. Like everything else in life, it's a risk we all have to take. Your happiness is a result of the risks you CHOOSE to take.

What's it like to be single again, to be alone? Maybe this is the first time you'll be going through this... let me show you a picture of what you can expect..

Oh, before that, I just want to remind you that you always have the option of getting into another relationship to fill the void... but I don't really recommend it. Your reasons for getting in a new relationship with someone  at this point, wouldn't be the right reasons (although you might not admit it to yourself). It wouldn't be fair to you or the other person.

You need time to lick your wounds and gather the broken pieces. You're sore inside from the trauma of having to go through a break-up. You're lost. You won't even start looking for direction right away. 

In the aftermath of a breakup, you need to heal first.

Change in Routine

You won't be doing the same things you used to do. Everything has changed. You own your time and no one expects anything from you. You're free! At first, this can be very disorienting since we're all creatures of habit. You can wake up in the morning feeling empty, wondering what you're going to do with yourself the whole day. You will miss your old life, such as it was.

In time, you'll see the possibilities... but not yet. Your whole world has shifted and you're still reeling from the change.

During this time you need to be firm and remember all the reasons why you're going through this... because the urge to go back to your old relationship will be very strong. I used my anger to push me onwards when I was about to give in to the loneliness... that worked for me. Find your motivation.

The great news, although it's hard to see at first, is that you get to discover yourself again. When you have nothing else to do, you can focus on yourself and your needs. Maybe you've forgotten what your needs are while caring for other people's needs. So, now's the time to rediscover what they are. It can be both exciting and scary once you realize that you own your life! Some people don't know what to do with themselves... me included. ^^

The worst part for me is having to eat alone... the best part? You can eat whatever, wherever and whenever you want! Junk food in front of the TV!

"People think being alone makes you lonely.. but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people, can be the loneliest feeling in the world."

Looking back on it, it was really a very peaceful time... just being with myself. It's good for us to be alone, once in a while.

Regaining Financial Independence

If you're not a heiress with a trust fund, then you will need to find a source of income. I recommend doing this as fast as you can. Not only will it keep you busy instead of moping around, it will also give you a sense of purpose and a feeling of competence. You need funds to live comfortably and do new things. 

Moping and being depressed is good for the first 2 weeks. But really.... after some time, you'll get bored with it too... and if you don't have a decent home and your utilities are being disconnected - it can make you feel more depressed and think that you've made the wrong decision. It's not true. You just need to find a way to finance yourself. 

If you had a joint bank account with your former partner, get your share and close that chapter. Be independent. A small room and basic furnishings that you're paying for yourself, can do wonders for your self-esteem. That's what I did. I got a room which I couldn't afford as soon as I landed a job, and slowly furnished and designed it the way I like. It was such a good feeling to know that I can be alone and have a life! It was a precious realization.

Too much "Me" Time

When you've been with someone for so long, you tend to forget what it's like to have only yourself for company. It can be boooooring and the bed is too big! There's that nagging fear of being alone again. You long for company.

Being on your own and being alone are two different things. You're not alone. Call your friends and family. Make new friends. Learning how to entertain yourself and make yourself happy are some of the challenges of being single again. This time, when you're sad and bored and miserable, you only have yourself to blame.

Take advantage of your "Me" time by doing the things you love. Pamper yourself. Watch the whole Game of Thrones series or whatever tickles your fancy. Go to the Spa, the Mall. Once you have the means, go on vacations with people you like to be with... or on your own! 

This time with yourself will teach you so many good things about coping. Once you get past this, you won't ever fear being alone again. You will learn to ask for what you deserve and you will not allow anyone to treat you badly ever again. You will love yourself more.

What's out there?

It took me about a year before I started looking around again. I focused all my energy in my new job. I wasn't totally alone all that time. Every now and then, I'd go on casual, no commitment dates. The purpose is to have fun being single, without making decisions prompted by your fear of being alone.

When you're good and ready, you will open yourself to new relationships for all the right reasons. You'll want to share your new self with someone. The past will be something that you remember with a lot of amusement. You will be proud of all that you've achieved and you will exude this aura of accomplishment and competence. The new you is far from the clinging and fearful person you used to be.... and you will long for someone to appreciate your achievement. 

You'll have more to offer this time, and you will expect what you deserve.

If the new relationship doesn't make you happy... well, you can always go back to being single. No big deal. Been there, done that, right?

"Until you get comfortable with being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love

... or out of loneliness."

If you've experienced being single again after a long relationship, how did you get through it? Please share your thoughts... it could help someone... :)

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