Phases of Coping with a Cheating Partner.. Before You Let Go

Having a cheating partner is for me, the worst thing that can happen to anyone. It drains your self-esteem, humiliates you, cheapens you and just makes you question the goodness of everything. It doesn't matter what reasons or justifications are given... It's destructive and it hurts.

I believe, that if you no longer want to be with someone and you're not happy anymore - then have the guts to let the other person go. Cheating on someone who loves you is the lowest and most cowardly act.

Is your partner cheating on you?

We are not obliged to stay with someone who makes us unhappy - but we are expected not to knowingly hurt people, even if we think they deserve it. Letting go of someone you don't want anymore, is a more honorable choice than cheating on them and justifying it.

When you have a cheating partner, you will go through these phases and they can be the saddest days of your life. Even the most intelligent people will succumb... why? Because people want to try to fix things, specially when they've already invested so much time and energy in a relationship. Because they want to save their marriage, their family. These are powerful reasons that can make a person rationalize staying with a cheating partner. Sadly, these phases must be experienced, before they let go.

1) The "You've Changed" Phase

You notice subtle changes in your relationship. Your partner is just a little less interested, a little bit more detached, a little busier with other things. There's less sex and intimate moments. You will try to ask them about it and unconsciously try harder to make them happy... because you know that something has changed and it's not for the better.

Before this phase, maybe you've been going through a rough time, but that's not always the case. Sometimes, you don't even have a clue that your relationship is in danger, and that your partner is going through an emotional crisis. It can come like a thief in the night.

2) The "Investigation" Phase

Cheating partners will avoid discussion when you confront them with their change in behavior. They've passed the discussion phase and is already acting on their decisions. They're cowards. You start sensing the small lies and secrets that are now between you two.. there's a wall and you want to see what's behind it. 

In this phase, you discover your investigation skills. You check their cellphones, mails, bag, wallet, smell their clothes.. in the future, you'd look back at yourself and wonder why you did all these things... but at this phase, you just have to know what's going on. How can you fight something when you don't know what you're fighting? You just HAVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH!.. Your partner, of course, is silent and evasive. Whenever you raise the issue, they tell you that you're over-reacting and imagining things.. and make you feel like there's something wrong with you.

3) The "Knowing" Phase 

Finally, you have proof! A message on the phone that was not deleted.. you overheard a conversation... a friend of yours spotted your partner with someone else... You feel like the world just crashed on your head... but at the same time, you're relieved because the problem finally has a face. It's true.. you're not just imagining things... you're not going insane... there is something going on! So, you confront your partner with this knowledge.

If you found a proof that cannot be denied, expect either a violent reaction or avoidance. You will hear all kinds of justification and this is the phase where your self esteem is slowly but surely torn to shreds. 

In the knowing phase, you confront the problem head on. That's the normal reaction. You have to be ready for the result of the confrontation. If you confront just for the sake of confronting, but you haven't taken the time to think of what you're going to do... it's pointless. So your partner has someone else, now what? What do you want to happen? What are you willing to accept? What are you ready to do?

Most of the time though, cheating partners will avoid confrontation. They're cowards remember? It would be best for everyone if they just admitted and let go... but... it doesn't happen often.

4) The "Let's Work it Out" Phase 

You finally have that heart to heart talk with your partner, or maybe not. Some cheating partners will not admit it even if you beat it out of them. But, you know and you want to salvage what's left of your relationship, and maybe they haven't said that they want to leave you yet. 

Whether or not you managed to have that "talk", you try to be more loving, more caring... you try to be more of everything so you can take your partner back. In this stage, you are torn between proving your worth and questioning your worth. It can take a long time... there can be hundreds of hours spent in self pity, drinking and other destructive behaviors. You are rebelling against your self preservation instincts. I believe that people who are in this phase can be tagged as "mentally insane". There's just too many emotions raging inside of you. You're practically schizophrenic. It's a battle.. not with your partner, but with yourself. How far are your willing to fight for the relationship? How much are you willing to take?

Letting Go (by Ronit Baras)

5) The "Letting Go" Phase 

This can take anywhere from 1 day to years, depending on how long the "Let's Work It Out" Phase lasts. You decide that you can't take anymore, and you leave your cheating partner behind.

The moment you're in this phase, it can feel like the saddest moment of your life. You failed. You're not worthy. You're useless. But you know what, this is the bravest decision you'll ever make - if you stick to your decision.

Some people, sad to say, don't even reach this phase. If you've been in a relationship for many years, your whole life revolves around it. You have mutual friends, do the same things, you have joint bank accounts - it can be a pretty daunting thought to leave it all behind and start anew. 

That's why many people get stuck in relationships with cheating partners all their life. It's not easy.... leaving it all behind.

But, you've made the first step to freedom. It's like a drug and you will go through withdrawal symptoms. You will remember beautiful memories and again, you might want to go back to phase 4 and try and work it out.

Don't. Just move forward where a happier future is waiting for you. Anything is better than being with a person who consciously and knowingly hurts you... who doesn't care about how you feel... you deserve better than that. Just keep moving.

More: The Fear of Being Alone - What's it Like to be Single Again?

The Aftermath

Everyone who went through a bout of infidelity knows the emotional battery that happens during this experience... and most come out of it a little bit jaded, a little bit paranoid and a little more wary. It's good. They learn to love themselves more. They're wiser for the experience.

.... and they learn that there is a brighter future waiting for them, after all the pain.

There are couples who managed to get past infidelity issues. Someone makes a mistake, they admit it, they change, the slip is forgiven and they move on. That's another story altogether. These rare stories are what gives people hope that they can still work things out with their cheating partner. 

That gamble is yours to take.

What is your experience with a cheating partner? What was the worst part of the experience for you? What are the lessons you've learned? Share it and help give hope to those who are still stuck in this situation.

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