Marriage Takes Two... Your Spouse and You

It saddens me when I read articles on how Marriage is about making your partner happy even at the cost of your own happiness. That it's admirable and virtuous to be a willing sacrifice on the Altar of Love. Even in our modern age, many people still think this way. Maybe that's why more people are getting a divorce! The roles of couples are not as defined as they used to be and men and women share the marital responsibilities. Why does anyone have to make a sacrifice? If you believe that sacrifice is required to make a marriage work, I say you're mistaken... and I hope this article changes your mind.

We have less than a hundred years to live and most of our adult life will be spent with the partner we choose in Marriage - day in and day out, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Think about that for a moment..... Your happiness, your sorrow, your success, your failures and your overall well-being will be INFLUENCED by your partner and the state of your relationship. You're just too close not to be affected.

When you got married, when you chose your partner among the 7 billion people on Earth - to be

with, to love, to cherish and to hold... what was the deciding factor for you? Because YOU want to be happy and you believe that you will find happiness with your spouse (whatever makes you happy). Right?

I don't believe anyone is ever going to enter into marriage if you tell them that they are required to give up their joy for the sake of their spouse. That they need to accept situations even if it makes them miserable - for the sake of the children, for the sake of the marriage.

The problem with our society is that we preach the virtue of self-sacrifice. That's why we find it so hard to rise up from the human sufferings we see today. When we see someone giving up their own dreams for another, we applaud them for it. Why? Why can't they have their dreams too? Is one life more important than the other? Why? I don't understand why people believe this crap! If I do something for you, the reason is my own fulfillment. It makes me happy doing it. There is no self-sacrifice involved. My spouse's happiness is also my goal, aside from my own.

Marriage is a partnership and just like any partnership, it is there for the mutual benefit of the stakeholders - you and your spouse. You each do your share to help your spouse walk through life and you help fulfill each other's dreams. As a wife, I try my best to be supportive of my husband, to care for him and love him and help him overcome challenges - as I vowed to do... but I expect him to do the same for me. Marriage benefits two people - your spouse and you. It's never one sided. If it is, then there's a big problem.

You are supposed to be partners in life. If only one spouse is benefiting and one is suffering, that's not marriage... that's slavery! Why would you want to spend your life that way?

I hope I never hear my husband say that he gave up a dream or a joy for me. I don't want that kind of gift. Just to see him happy and fulfilled in our marriage is enough... I'd be at peace. If he ever offers a big gesture, I want it to be a choice made out of his own free will... a choice based on his own fulfillment. I don't want anybody's sacrifice.

Likewise, I don't want my husband to demand my self sacrifice. I expect him to want me to be the best person I choose to be. That he will guard my happiness and state of mind too.

All of this should happen naturally when you love each other. If it needs a debate, then it's not a give and take and there is obviously a power struggle going on. My happiness or yours? My way or your way? It's sad, tiring and so common in relationships.

In the last episode of Grey's Anatomy, Arizona and Callie tried to work out their marriage by seeing a marriage counselor. They weren't getting anywhere so the counselor recommended that they give each other a one-month break.  A reset of sorts. “A break is not an end,” the counselor said. Since they had a child, they stayed in the same house, but they're not allowed to talk to each other or make love. One month. Only Arizona was agreeable. Callie didn't believe that it would solve anything.

They lived separate lives for 30 days. They did their own thing, carried their own burdens and successes. The result was quite a surprise. When they went back to the counselor, Arizona, who was very keen about the separation realized the value of Callie, and resolved her own conflicted emotions. She said, “The thing I need is my anchor. It’s you. I’m so glad that this break is over.”

But Callie, the one who opposed the trial separation, the one who has been supportive of Arizona, the one fighting so hard for the marriage to work.... suddenly wanted out. Whoa! That was unexpected. I found her reason really scary. It could be happening to your marriage and you won't even notice it... we  can take it for granted and view it as our spouse's love for us, as to be expected.

This is what Callie said....

 “The last 30 days have taught me so much,” she said, crying. “But from the minute I sat down, I felt I was going to be suffocated. The last several weeks, I have laughed more, enjoyed more and I finally feel free. And by being free, I can see that constantly trying to fix this is the thing that’s been killing me slowly. And I don’t want to do it any more and I don’t want to fix us anymore. 

Maybe instead of loving you so hard I should be myself for a while. I should love me. And you should love you and together we love Sophia rather than -- I want so much for you, Arizona -- for both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too.”

We usually don't bother asking our partners about how they really feel... and a person can't be honest even if they feel stuck. It opposes the idea that love is a self-sacrifice. It makes people feel guilty wanting their own happiness. But both of your issues and feelings are important for the success of the marriage.

If you sacrifice yourself, sooner or later, you will be angry that you did. Like a volcano that's waiting to explode, the emotions lie hidden and boiling below a calm surface. When you realize that you can be happy without your spouse - the shit's going to hit the fan.

Where's the value of your sacrifice then? How was it useful?

Marriage is about love, kindness, sharing, empathizing and mutual care. It's about arguments and compromising about things that matter to both of you. But it is also about just being vigilant and knowing when you should stop piling unwanted stuff on your spouse's plate.

We don't heed the warning signs... hell, we don't even notice it. We think everything we're receiving is our privilege.

So, for the sake of the love that you once felt for each other when you made your marriage vows, check if you're forcing your spouse to make a sacrifice.

Check their emotional health.

Check their state of mind.

Are they better off with you or without you?

And if you have been the sacrificial lamb in the altar of love - start saying something. Don't waste your years being miserable. We all deserve to be happy without feeling guilty about it. We really do.

Ayn Rand said it best when she said:

Marriage should enrich you... not kill your spirit.