Love is NOT Unconditional

Whoever says that love is unconditional is suffering from self-delusion, and is likely to have failed relationships. Why? Because they won't care for their relationships the way they should.

The only love in this world that is close to being unconditional - is a mother's love. 

We'd like to think that we can love someone no matter what or that we'll continue to be loved no matter what we do. It's noble, it's admirable but it's a lie. To believe in something so illogical is to open ourselves up to disappointments and failed relationships.

Whatever I do, it's ok?

The phrase "No matter what" is possible only if it means no matter what hardship or no matter what challenges life brings - there are a lot of couples who stayed in love through the years in spite of the many curve balls in their relationship. But it doesn't mean "I love you, no matter what you do." 

How can love be unconditional? Love by its definition means - to feel affection for. Affection is earned and it is dependent on the person's standards. You don't feel affectionate about everyone, do you? This is because they haven't met your criteria and expectations - your conditions.



I chose you because...

When you chose your partner, didn't you have a criteria? A preference? 

He/She should be good looking, kind, loving, affectionate, tall, rich, sexy, successful and whatever, depending on your personal preference. What do you call those? Are they not conditions? 

If love was unconditional, then you just grab someone on the street, and try to have a relationship. But that doesn't happen. We choose a person based on criteria that satisfies our inner longings and cravings. We choose them because they meet important emotional needs.

When someone you have a relationship with starts acting differently - they're no longer attentive, you've lost your trust, they started hurting you - how can you maintain affection? Expectations that are not met and constant frustration and disappointment will cause love to die a slow death. You cannot stay in love with a person who makes you terribly unhappy - unless you have other reasons for staying aside from love.

Just think of the high number of divorced couples. I'm sure they tried to make it work... I'm sure they did their best and made all sorts of compromise. But somehow, the relationship no longer satisfied them. It has failed to meet their standards of how they want their relationships and partners to be.

Have the courage to leave..

When I hear a woman say that she stays with her husband even though he's beating her or has another woman, simply because she loves him, I feel sad. Unless there is a need or a deep fear ruling your life, you cannot stay with a man like that. Staying will mean that you have given up on your own happiness for one reason or another. It's an act of cowardice, I'm sorry to say, to spend your life miserable with a person that you pretend to still love, even though you're totally unhappy - because you need to. I hope they find the courage to leave.

Love cannot fend for itself..

People don't take care of their relationships because they harbor this delusion that a relationship or a marriage or love is unconditional. Wives let go of their appearance, they no longer bother to be pretty and attractive. Men become too busy, they stop taking time to woo their wives. Yet they expect that their partners will stay crazy in love with them. People are not like TV sets that when you own them, they just stay there for you to turn on and off whenever you please - and it's not gonna complain... They're not like a dog who welcomes you with drools and smiles and excited barking even if you just kicked it on your way out.

Relationships and people need to be nurtured. The conditions that attracted partners to each other needs to be constantly met and reinforced. Both partners should put some effort to adapt to the changes happening to the relationship and to each other, in order to grow and deepen the relationship. It can't be left on it's own to fend for itself. 

If you want your relationship to succeed, you must always be vigilant and mindful of how you're making your partner feel - if you want to keep him/her happy... Remember how you were at the beginning of the relationship, when you were still trying to win your partner's affection? Are you still that person? Or is you're partner starting to feel cheated?

It is conditional...

Love is not unconditional. 

You cannot love a person who doesn't treat you right. 

You cannot feel affection for someone who makes you miserable and doesn't care about what you feel. 

You cannot feel attracted to anyone who doesn't meet your expectations. 

If you insist that you still feel love, examine your feelings and motives more carefully... There's something else there.



I do not want to be loved unconditionally, if such a thing were even possible. I want to be loved for the qualities that I worked hard to develop in myself, that I'm proud of. I want to be validated by finding someone who can see and appreciate and love those qualities. I don't want to be loved for no reason. If I ask a man why he loves me, he'd better be able to have some good answers that i'll recognize as my own qualities. The answer, "I just do" is not going to cut it. I want to deserve to be loved.

I want to be the one to meet his expectations.



We think of love as a fairy tale and an answer to all our dreams. It could be, if we constantly work at it. If we make sure that we are meeting our partner's emotional needs, that we value them and that we are still that person they fell in love with, maybe even more. 

If we don't make it difficult for them to keep their promise to love us. 

If we are going to argue about unconditional love in religion, just remember that according to religion, you also need to do certain specific things to save yourself, or else you will go to hell. Salvation has a condition too.

Unconditional Love is a sweet and wonderful aspiration. But if it were true, then love will stop having meaning. What value would it have, if you don't have to earn it and it is given freely, for no reason?

There are many mediocre things in life that we accept. Love should not be one of them. As Ayn Rand said... 

"Love is the expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character and person... the emotional price we pay for the joys we receive from the virtues of another."