Avoiding Arguments: Kill the Drama - You Don't Need It

Don't you just hate fighting with the people you love? But the fact is, they're the ones that we have a lot to fight about. We don't invest emotions on people who don't affect our lives.

Telenovelas or drama series are very popular here in the Philippines and there's a reason why I hate watching them. People are always fighting, shouting, screaming and crying. It stresses me out just listening to it. Why would anyone want to spend their relax time watching something so.... emotionally disturbing? The drama in our own lives is enough to keep us emotionally engaged. Well, unless nothing's happening to your life and you need to absorb the drama of others.

Drama is appropriate for really dramatic situations. But in our every day lives, i think we should avoid it. People in relationships are the most prone to dramatic episodes because they have a lot of hopes and expectations that are affected and influenced by the state of the relationship. It's often mentioned that we shouldn't rely on other people to make us happy, but that's unrealistic. Of course, what our loved ones do affect us in many ways.

Just imagine, 2 people who think differently - one from Mars, and one from Venus, as they say - trying to get along, each with their own emotional baggage and individual standards of how their partner must behave. When one partner doesn't act according to expectations, the drama starts... and it starts with feelings of Indignation. "How can she do this to me!" or "What gives him the right to treat me this way!" or "That's so unfair!" or "I've had enough of this!" Yup, there it goes. That's the thought that's in your mind right before the great dramatic explosion.

I used to be a drama queen too when I was younger... maybe that's why i hate it so much now.. cause i know the consequence and the destruction that it's capable of bringing to relationships. But sometimes, in spite of my best intentions, i still fall into the drama trap. You get so carried away by your indignation that it's not really about the issue you're fighting about anymore. It's your own issues that are rearing it's ugly head and misplaced emotions coming to the fore. The current situation has become an opportunity for you to unleash it - like a stage where you can give a performance and discuss pent up issues. It's about you. It's not only about what your partner is doing or the unfairness of the situation - it's now about a lot of other reasons that only you know about.

That might be hard to accept because surely you can't be angry without justification. That's true. Something triggered it. But ask yourself, did the issue deserve so much of your anger? Enough to hurt the ones around you with spiteful words that you can't take back anymore? Enough to endanger the things that you hold dear? That's drama. It's a highly emotional outburst that doesn't care about consequences.

Drama is a waste of time and energy. It doesn't resolve anything. Your time and effort would've been better spent talking to your partner about it, the way partners do. You know, sitting together and talking without knives hidden behind your back? Remember how that goes? If you're not in a mental or emotional condition to talk, don't force it. But when you feel the drama rising in your chest, try to do something else and don't say anything. This is to protect people from the hurtful words you'll most probably say and regret later on.

In relationships, couples can avoid a lot of useless drama if they just took time to talk and try to understand each other's motivations before accusations start flying around. If you really believe that your partner means to hurt you, if you can't be confident that he/she loves you, why are you together in the first place? An atmosphere of mistrust and failed expectations is the breeding ground of quarrels... and it's never a good idea to not talk... to just keep things to yourself because you don't want to argue. There's a way of expressing your pains to your partner without being confrontative and putting them in the defensive. If you cannot talk to the person you share your bed with, what's the point of all this exercise of being together?

Not talking makes negative feelings fester until such time that you can't hold it back anymore and BOOM! you are in the middle of a DRAMA. The aftermath, if you bother to look back at the destruction you left in your wake, are tears and hurt feelings and statements that you can't erase from the minds of the one you love.

When you're on the verge of drama, try the following before you give in to your emotions:

1) Take deep breaths and ask yourself if you really want to start a fight.

2) Picture the scenario that could happen, and determine if it will solve anything.

3) Step back and picture the person that you'll unleash your drama weapons at... Look at the person objectively... Who is this? What is he/she to me?

4) Calm your thoughts and remember one good thing that you love about this person. One thing that he/she does for you, that you really love.

5) Check your premise, are you dealing with facts or emotions?

6) If the drama turns out really bad, are you willing to risk your relationship for this problem?

7) Ask yourself if hurting the person is worth the issue that you're fighting about.

8) Ask yourself where this issue is on your list of priorities.

9) If you're indignat about a failed expectation, ask yourself if you have no shortcomings.

10) Just sit down and shut up.

If you notice, all of my recommendations above are things you have to do on your own... with yourself. Because unless you're with a really offensive and confrontative a**hole, drama is usually about your pent up feelings. Your own personal issues.

Justified anger is alright. Discussions are necessary to resolve issues. But how you do it, can make or break a valued relationship.

Accept that:

You can't change people. 

You can't make them act a certain way if they don't want to. 

You can't control them.

Know that:

You can change the way you think. 

You can change the way you react.

and 

You can control yourself.

Once you accept these things, you'll realize that drama is not necessary. Kill it. Talking like two adults who love each other is a better way to spend time and energy.

If you still don't trust yourself to talk, then just keep your mouth shut and spend more time resolving your own issues. Do something else. Be morose if you can't help it. Brood. But stop the Drama please. It just makes life a living hell... and that's not how you want your life to be.