A Daughter's Grief on the Death of a Mother

Last July of 2013, before her 66th birthday, my Mother died. After a week in the hospital, her heart just gave up and she slept forever. She has been struggling with her Diabetes for a long time, and was injecting insulin daily... there were a lot of complications and her heart problem was just one of them. 

When she was hospitalized for the last time, she had End Stage Renal Disease. Her kidneys have failed and she will be requiring Dialysis 3x a week - if she lived, that is. But I guess, it was too much for her, the Dialysis. How she hated that word. When she found out that the D word was upon her, I knew she felt that the end was near. But, she was a fighter til the end, and never showed me her fear nor her sadness. But I knew they were there.

My Mother Died. These 3 words have the power to shake the ground you walk on.. to shatter the very fabric of your life. You see it happen to other people, you see people die - but when the tragedy happens to you, you're still not prepared for it. Who can prepare for something so painful? Our minds have a way of protecting itself, that even when you foresee the possibility, you refuse to accept it. You will fight it so it doesn't happen.. so it doesn't become real.

I was very close to my mother. When I was younger, I was off rebelling and doing my own thing. It was only in the last decade that I was able to make it up to her somehow. As a child, she was the center of my everything. I hated being away from her. I cannot begin to tell you how I felt when she died, but I want to try. Because somewhere out there, there's a daughter whose mother died, and maybe she doesn't understand what she's feeling too... and i want to share mine with her.
They were resuscitating her when my husband and I arrived at the hospital after a call from my brother. In the hallway to her room, instead of rushing to be by her side, I walked slowly... with heavy steps, as if in a dream. I didn't want to reach her room. Because when I do, everything will become real. I will see her struggling for life as her body slowly gives up. I would have to accept that there's no hope. 30 minutes have passed since her heart stopped beating. If they stopped CPR, she will die. I knew this. I've feared this moment. This is not real. 

On the last few steps, I ran to her room and I saw my mother finally... and my heart was like ice. Cold and numb. The doctor approached me and asked me the most difficult question that was ever asked of me. "How long do you want us to continue?" she said. Her voice sounded far away. I couldn't focus. My eyes remained glued to my mother lying on the bed. Her eyes lifeless, without a trace of the spirit that inspired me all my life.

Who could ask a daughter such an unfair question? But there was no one else to decide. I asked if there was a chance... and the doctor said, it's been 30 minutes and they still can't get a heartbeat. 

What were my choices... a heart and lung machine even if she could be brain damaged? Have them continue CPR in the hopes that her heart would resume beating? Have you ever seen someone being resuscitated? It's not like in the movies... The man resuscitating her was practically jumping up and down, pumping her heart, probably breaking her ribs.... So I said, "Stop It. That's Enough." When they stopped pumping her heart... she was gone.

And I ran to her, and stroked her face, and closed her eyes. I embraced that body that nurtured me and loved me in spite of everything. My anchor, my rock, my strength. It was cold. The warmth that I've always known... was gone.

This was all my fault. "I'm sorry, Ma. I'm sorry," I repeated over and over as my life shattered into little pieces.

I felt so sorry for her. I couldn't understand how she died when we did everything we could. This was all my fault. She depended on me. She said we were going home. She told me we will make it. Even as I held her, as I closed her eyes, I didn't want to believe it! 

But there it was.... My Mother Died. It was real.

Who was I to make such a decision? I felt like I gave up and didn't give her a chance. Never mind the logic, never mind that it was what she would've preferred. I felt guilt. I questioned my decision, and until now, I ask my mother to tell me if I did the right thing. 

Isn't that what we do... ask our mothers if we made the right decision in our lives? No matter what age, we need to hear it from her, that what we are doing is the right thing.  

But she cannot answer me, and I'm still waiting...

There were lots of things to do even when I just wanted to lie beside her and cry forever. I had to bury my mother. The funeral. The people. I don't know how I went through it all. But I did it. Everything that I believed she wanted, I tried to do.. and then it was over. We brought her ashes home.

Even if I cried forever, I will never have her back.

I've never felt so old until she was gone. Now, I have no one to turn to and ask if I'm doing the right thing or not in my life. I have no one to share my deepest thoughts with without being judged. All my decisions are my responsibility. And there are many things that an adult daughter can only speak to her mother about. 

The loss of my Mother killed me. It killed the part of me that was carefree and reckless, knowing that she will be there for me no matter what happens.

I felt guilt, regret for lost time. I felt lost, as if I didn't know this version of the world without her in it. And always... there is this lingering sadness. I felt her absence the most a few days after the funeral. She was no longer there for me to do things for. I had no messages on my phone. I didn't have to think of her the way I used to and wonder what she's feeling, or thinking, or eating. She was gone.

Knowing that I will never see her or hear her or feel her again in this life - made me feel helpless and alone. It's not true that the grieving ends after some time. Maybe I don't cry continuously anymore, but every time I think of her, I relive everything that happened and I grieve deeply. I can physically feel a dark hole where she used to be.

I think of her whenever something good happens in my life, whenever I have a problem, when I see or hear something that reminds me of her. The world has become a colder place since she left it. Last Christmas was our first without her, and you could cry just seeing how my brothers and sisters didn't know what to do. It was always my Mother who pulled us together. We were the planets circling her bright and warm sun. Without it, there will always be a part of us that feels lost.

I feel my mortality. I somehow lost my purpose. One of the reasons why I worked so hard was because she needed me. Even when I hated my work, I pushed on and found happiness knowing that I was able to help her, even though I know it wasn't enough. But now i don't need to do that anymore. I can do whatever I want without thinking of her. But do what? That was my purpose before and it defined me. I liked being the good daughter. It gave me something to think about that was bigger than myself. Now that she's gone, I need to redefine my purpose in life, and its not going to be that easy.

But maybe time will take care of that. You see, one of the things I discovered is that Life Goes On, even when we're grieving. I honestly wanted the whole world to kindly stop for my grief, but... it just went on. It's up to me to join it and live again, even without her.

For every daughter out there who lost a Mother, I feel your pain... and I'm sorry to say that the pain will probably never end. The pain sleeps only waiting to be awakened by a memory, a need, a longing, a song on the radio... and you just need to live with it and continue living. You need to pick up the shattered little pieces of your life and rebuild it into something new, without her.

Until the love is there, the pain of losing her will live on.

There will always be questions and regret. If only it were possible to have one final word with her, for closure. If only I could hold her just one last time and say goodbye.

That little girl inside you will always want to feel her embrace and see her face... 
To see that smile that can reassure you that everything's gonna be alright. 

One day maybe, I can feel happy thinking about her, but for now... there's only sadness and longing.

We're not a child anymore... because our Mother died... and all our life we'll miss being her little girl... so very very much...

This video was shared by my brother during her wake... I think it says everything.. I hope it comforts you and give you the words that you want to say to her.

Mama / El Divo

Mama thank you for who I am

Thank you for all the things I'm not

Forgive me for the words unsaid

For the times

I forgot...

Mama remember all my life

You showed me love,You sacrificed

Think of those young and early days

How I've changed

along the way

And I know you believed

And I know you had dreams

And I'm sorry it took all this time to see

That I am where I am because of your truth

I miss you, I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried

Forgive me for not making right

All of the storms I may have caused

And I've been wrong

Dry your eyes..

Mama I hope this makes you smile

I hope you're happy with my life

At peace with every choice I made

How I've changed

Along the way

And I know you believed in all of my dreams

And I owe it all to you, Mama

To my Mom

I'm sorry for all my shortcomings... I'm sorry for all the pain I caused 
Thank you for understanding me...even when you didn't

Thank you for all your struggles and for your hardships...

Thank you for doing your best for us..

Thank you for Everything...

I hope that you know how much I love you and that I will miss your love... forever.

Rest in Peace, Mama. It was a good fight. 
No Goodbyes... 

there's only Love and our Memories.

Until we meet again.